Ballers in Boris Land

The town of Uxbridge, fifteen miles from Trafalgar Square, has become part of the London sprawl these days. The growth of the capital has meant that many outlying towns have lost much of their identity, and Uxbridge struggles to keep its individuality in the same way that Croydon, Ilford, Kingston and Watford, amongst others, face similar problems- it’s difficult to work out where one town ends and another starts.

At the end of the Metropolitan and Piccadilly Lines, Uxbridge is the very epitome of Metro-Land; a name coined by the marketing department of the Metropolitan Railway in 1915 as they began to build housing and attract to the area the first London “commuters.” Its growth since the turn of the twentieth century has been rapid, fuelled over the last half century not only by its proximity to London but the airport next door; Heathrow has expanded out of all recognition since the time when the main airport for London was in Croydon- as recently as the end of the Second World War.

During that War Uxbridge was a place of great importance. It was the home of what today is known as the ‘Battle of Britain Bunker’- the control centre in which the RAF’s response to the onslaught of the Luftwaffe was coordinated, and which today is a fabulous museum and visitor centre. These days it’s a place of importance once more, as it is the constituency of our current Prime Minister, a certain Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, which has placed the town firmly into the media spotlight. He appears to divide opinion in his constituency as across the country, winning his seat at the last election with a relatively small majority and recently being described as a “filthy piece of toerag” by an elderly lady whose response to a media question about her representative has become an internet sensation.

Quietly getting on with business during all of this turmoil has been Uxbridge Football Club. Formed in 1871, the Reds were in the FA Cup within two years, in the FA Amateur Cup Final before the end of the century, and founder members of the Southern League in 1894. After many years as wandering nomads they acquired their current Honeycroft ground in the mid 1970’s, and have been there ever since, whilst on the pitch they have played in the Corinthian, Athenian and Southern Leagues, with a twenty two year stint as as Isthmian League club in the middle of that, rejoining us as a result of the pyramid reorganisation at the start of last season.

Honeycroft is regularly spoken of particularly highly by opposition supporters, but on first arrival you’d struggle to see why. The home of the Reds is hardly picturesque on the approach, in the midst of an industrial estate a mile or so from the M4. Once inside, however, it is quick to reveal its charms. The clubhouse is superb, the welcome friendly- and it must be the only football ground on earth where the first word you are likely to hear upon arrival will come from a parrot. Uxbridge have their own bird sanctuary, and their feathered friends only add to the relaxed atmosphere; although the queue of people admiring them might block your route to the toilet!

Away from the clubhouse, this is a venerable place. Entering the arena the music that was blasting out over the tannoy all came from the 1950’s, and it was remarkably appropriate- as although the stands come from a slightly later vintage they come from a style of football architecture that had its heyday between the 50’s and the 70’s. The gloomy sky and the pouring rain perhaps didn’t help, and neither did the fact that the pressbox is designed for people five foot eight and under, but this is a ground that immediately takes a visitor back to a bygone era. Perhaps given the growth of bland, soulless concrete stadia that’s not a bad thing.

The Reds have had a steady start to the season, and currently sit in eighth place in our South Central Division, two points off a playoff berth. They are still searching for consistency, but when they’ve been good they’ve been very good indeed, and in Mahlondo Martin and Jack Beadle have two in-form strikers, with seventeen goals between them (nine and eight) in all competitions. They reached this stage of the FA Trophy by walloping Northwood 4-1 in the last round; although that perhaps shouldn’t be taken to mean too much, given everyone seems to be walloping Northwood this season, sadly.

Talking of a search for consistency, supporters of today’s opponents must have spent the campaign wondering who would turn up at Nyewood Lane on a Saturday afternoon- Bognor Jekyll or Regis Hyde. If ever a team had a split personality it would be this years Bognor Regis Town, a side capable of winning five-one one week only to lose four-nil the next. L-D-W-L-L-W-L-L-L-W-W-L-W-W is not a random series of code used at the nearby Bunker in 1940, and it tells the entire story of Bognor’s season- but it also suggests an upturn in their fortunes of late, and the Rocks Army arrived at Honeycroft this afternoon in a spirit of cautious optimism, although worried about a shortage of numbers. In their midweek win at Kingstonian they could name only two substitutes, and have this week seen forward Jimmy Muitt leave the club to join Dorking Wanderers. Today they’d doubled that number of potential replacements, but their hosts had seven.

The upturn has coincided with Bognor signing their fifth number one of the season- although hopefully this one is, with apologies for the pun, a keeper. Amadou Tangara was magnificent for Merstham last season as they powered to the Premier Division Playoff Final, and was one of the dozen or so to decamp from Moatside to King George’s Field in the summer; following their manager, Hayden Bird (who with a name like that should really be in charge at Uxbridge). Out of all the Moatside movers he was the one who seemed to have the most to lose, as it was apparent he would have to displace K’s legend Rob Tolfrey between the sticks if he was to play, and that simply didn’t happen. He was man of the match as his new club beat his former club a few days ago, and if he played as if he had something to prove to Bird then he certainly managed to do just that.

Before the match the clubhouse was filled with folk in green and white, many of them transfixed by Manchester City on the TV- although they’d probably have been transfixed by anything that kept them out of the rain. It seemed there were more visiting fans than home fans, and once inside the stadium that became rather more obvious, but perhaps the fact that the Bognor fans congregated in the stand, their sound echoing from inside the cavernous wooden construction, made them seem more numerous than they actually were.

The hosts got us underway a few seconds before three o’clock, as a number of hardy souls took up position alongside the boundary fence under golf umbrellas and a larger collection left the stand to congregate behind Uxbridge skipper Paul McCarthy’s goal. The first few minutes were played almost entirely in the hosts half, and Bognor had the first shot in the fifth minute, McCarthy saving from Doug Tuck. Which, of course, meant that a minute later Uxbridge were ahead. Mahlondo Martin went on a mazy run, and his cross-shot forced a save from Tangara. The keeper couldn’t hold the ball, and it was suggested by some that it was taken from his hands, but however it happened Jack Beadle bundled home and the referee said yes.

It was then the home side’s turn to dominate, which in keeping with the pattern so far meant that the next chance came to the visitors. A ball was whipped in from the left by James Crane, missed Dan Smith, but Victor Heisel, coming in behind, had a great chance to level. Sadly for the Rocks the ball seemed to come off the shin of the forward and bobbled past the far post. They continued to attack, and a late tackle from Callum Duffy gave them a free kick to the left of the box- and a card went to Duffy- but the set piece was quickly cleared and within seconds Uxbridge, Martin, outpacing the defence, had a corner. This time Tangara was able to deal with the danger.

The equaliser came in the nineteenth minute. Bognor got two corners, and from the second Smith diverted the ball and James Crane crept in at the near post to finish. Bognor looked to capitalise, and poured on the pressure. An effort from Smith was blocked, and then an excellent cross from Heisel was headed across the goal and onto the post by Ashton Leigh. We reached the midway point of the half with the visitors well on top and playing some extremely attractive football.

Heisel went down injured, holding his shoulder, and Leigh wandered over, water bottle in hand, and squirted his prone teammate. In case it didn’t work the first time, he then did it again. It still didn’t improve his condition. Heisel came off and Brad Lethbridge came on to replace him, Leigh proving conclusively that he had no medical qualifications whatsoever, unless he believed that Heisel had gills and he was assisting him to breathe. Even were that the case, the Rocks forward was surely damp enough already.

As we moved past the half hour the visitors had another chance, Smith poking a cross from Harvey Whyte past the far post. The game then entered the doldrums for a while, Bognor still dominating whilst creating no clear chances, whilst their drummer warmed up and gave them a solo. Uxbridge then demonstrated that they were still extremely dangerous, Martin weaving into the box and causing consternation in the visiting defence, before Uxbridge had a goalmouth scramble of their own to deal with, a defensive toe-poke making a desperate clearance as Smith made things difficult for the Reds backline. Martin then had another go at the Rocks defence, and forced Tangara off his line to make a last-gasp save. And then, at the other end and a minute before the break, the visitors took the lead.

It came from an Uxbridge corner. The ball was cleared to Lethbridge in his own half. He controlled and ran into the space ahead of him, and the home defence backed off, allowing the Rocks to move the ball forward. A shot from Leigh, a great save from McCarthy, but Doug Tuck was there to force the rebound home.

The Rocks, on the balance of play, deserved to be ahead. Uxbridge, however, in the shape of Martin, had the best player on the field in the first half, and certainly weren’t out of this game yet.

The teams wandered out for the second half as the tannoy played the rather apt, “Just Walking in the Rain-” and Bognor got us underway, the precipitation being blown onto their backs, at two minutes past four. The second half started slowly, a little pressure at both ends but no clear-cut chances for either side. Six minutes in the Rocks made a change, Josh Flint coming on for Eddie Wakley, which seemed to be tactical- there was no sign of an injury.

Ten minutes after the break the Rocks came close to scoring a third. Lethbridge left two players for dead and fired in a shot which McCarthy, at full stretch, touched over. The two resulting corners were scrambled clear, and the home side remained in touch. That changed on the hour, and again it was Lethbridge, a revelation since his arrival, who charged down the right, crossed the ball across the box, and Tuck came in at the back post and avoided a desperate defensive lunge to steer home.

The home side tried to strike back. Mark Bitmead, last seen in a matchday feature here in his former role as lead Tangerine, fired in a great shot which resulted in a corner, and Bognor remembered that they weren’t home and dry yet. Well, they weren’t home, anyhow, they were unlikely to forget they weren’t dry. The visiting fans in the main stand were momentarily distracted by the news that Worthing had equalised in their tie with Walton Casuals. This wasn’t welcome news, as you might have guessed.

Doug Tuck came off, Tommy Scott came on, as a Bognor fan shouted, “unleash the secret weapon.” We had twenty-two minutes to go, and Scott looked rather bemused at his new label. Callum Bunting entered the fray for Uxbridge without being similarly encumbered with such expectation.

Scott played a fabulous ball through to Smith four minutes after his introduction, but the striker put his shot wide of the post and then saw the offside flag raised anyway, much to the disgust of some of the away fans, whose protests at the Assistant were rather vociferous given the target had been missed anyhow. Next, a run from Bitmead, which started in his own half, saw the midfielder fire in a shot from the edge of the Bognor box, but Tangara pulled it out of the air seemingly without effort and sent the Rocks forward once more, and we entered the last ten minutes.

Another chance came to Uxbridge, and a Mark McLeod shot was deflected just wide of the Rocks goal by his own player, Tangara either nonchalant about its direction or flat-footed depending on your outlook. The home side continued to attack, without managing a breakthrough, and Luke Heneghan found his way into the book after a sliding tackle that got nowhere near the ball but luckily missed the Bognor defender too. Had it connected the card might have been a different colour. A yellow card was then also shown to the Uxbridge bench, seemingly for something untoward said to the Assistant in front of the dugout.

A Bognor attack, and the secret weapon forced a great save from McCarthy. We were well into added time, and a minute later, disaster- according to the away fans in the main stand. Worthing had scored a ninetieth minute winner. Here things continued much as before, the final whistle went, and Bognor had progressed to the next round.

In this, the home of the main promoter of Brexit, the locals would have been hoping for a BR-exit, but from the off Bognor looked entirely convinced that they wanted to remain-and as their fans outnumbered the locals in the one hundred and thirty six crowd they would have won a People’s Vote, too. Uxbridge played their part, showed a great deal of ability, and indeed in Mahlondo Martin had perhaps the best player on the pitch; but the best team had won.

It’s only a few years since Bognor reached the Semi-Final of this competition, and they’d undoubtedly be delighted with a similar run once more. In truth, however, they’d like a different type of BR-Exit, one that saw them head once more in an upward direction and earn another crack at National League South. There was enough about this side to believe that, just perhaps, they might be there or thereabouts at season end.

Isn't it amazing what finally getting a safe pair of hands at the back can do to a teams confidence?